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Sunday, December 7, 2008

In Remembrance

Originally posted December 7th, 2007.

Four years ago tomorrow I got that horrible phone call saying that my dad had died during the night. I still have moments where I struggle with the guilt I feel for not reaching out to him more in the years after I moved to Minnesota. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that he wouldn't live to see his 57th birthday. I often think of him watching Sam and Julia from Heaven. It warms my heart and helps lessen the pain of not having him here. Last year my mom gave my sisters and I ornaments that say:
I love you all dearly, Now don't shed a tear, I'm spending my Christmas With Jesus this year.
As we decorated the tree the other day, I hung that ornament nearby this one that I bought in honor of Noah. While I cried my way through a show the other night on who we'd like the chance to spend one more day with and what we would do if we only had one hour to live, I felt a peace come over me that while I won't get another day with my dad in this lifetime, he's already enjoying an eternity with Jesus. I can't help but hope he's gotten a chance to snuggle with little Noah too.

This is a hard day for me, but in little ways I feel my dad's presence - almost like I can feel his flannel shirt rubbing against my cheek as he wraps me in a hug. Two of the ornaments he gave Brian and I for Christmas one year are tucked safely in the tree, a Santa magnet on the fridge that says "Merry Christmas Carrie" makes me feel like he's saying it himself every time I pass it, Brian and I wore my dad's super warm boots when we cut down the Christmas tree and today when we went sledding. Pulling out the toboggan that I used as a child brought back many fond memories of trips to Cam-Rock Park's sledding hill. One trip down the very big hill my dad tumbled out only to have the wooden toboggan run over his head. Ouch!

On the dance floor at my wedding He cupped my face with both of his big, rough, callused hands on my face and said, "I'm proud of you". I hope that hasn't changed Dad.


Julia hung Noah's angel this year and completely by "chance", the remembrance ornament for my dad is directly above it. They also "happen" to be on the side of the tree where I can see them from my favorite chair.

6 comments:

  1. Christmas is such a hard time for me because my Mom died 12/30/02....this year especially it has been rough for me. But deep down I know that my Mom is with Jesus she is no longer hurting! Peace be with you and your family this Christmas Season!

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  2. Beautiful writing Carrie! I've always liked to think of my grandma sitting with her baby (that died at 3 mo.) and my little neice (that died soon after birth) on her lap. And I'm sure she is. Remember, when someone we love dies, we never say goodbye. We just say, "See you later!"

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  3. Beautiful post. I hope that the comfort of the Lord will be with you during this time of remembrance, that you may feel both his and your father's arms wrapped around you tightly.

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  4. What a beautiful post. I can't imagine losing one of my parents...as you know how hard of a time I had losing my DOG. But to know he's already in heaven waiting for you is priceless. My parents are not believers and I pray all the time that God would soften their hearts and that we could all be together in heaven some day. What a happy day it'll be for you two to see each other again.

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  5. Losing someone you love is always hard but to lose someone at the holiday season is especially hard. It brings a sadness to what is other wise a very happy time. I lost my mom on Christmas eve and my dad at Thanksgiving the following year. As you know, one of our family traditions was that on Christmas eve my dad would read the Christmas story from the
    2nd chapter of Luke and then we would sing carols and then we would open the presents. It was important to them that we celebrate the real reason for Christmas before the gifts came out. That first Chrismas without both mom and dad was very tough. We did not want to lose a tradition that had be going on since I was a little girl, yet no one could get themselves to read the Christmas story. Finally, Brian spoke up and said he would do it and has done it ever since. I was so proud of him and he has managed to fill grandpas shoes very well in the Christmas story reading tradition. Lets keep that and all the other memories and traditions going. My mom would have loved the fact, Carrie that you are making your own family traditions. I'm so proud of both you and Brian. Love ya, MOM

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  6. Losing a parent is sooooo hard. When my FIL died very suddenly, I had to call my husband who was driving truck over a day away. I sure didn't want to make that call. He was my husband's best friend. We miss him every year.

    It's nice when we know they were Christians and we'll see them again one day. That ornament was such a nice idea and the picture is beautiful.

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